To whom do you owe a phone call or letter?

To whom do you owe a phone call or letter?

I have to admit, the first time I sat down to write a response to this question, it wasn't a true response - but a reaction, gut one instead. The issue of communication debt is one that provokes me to no end (probably there would be an end to it if I took some time to dig deeper to find out why it bothers me so much to think about it... and I do have some inklings). I have spend a lot of time over the years trying, sometimes in vain, to keep the lines of communication open between myself and the people I care about... family, siblings, friends etc. I prefer writing letters to phoning... though both are equally valuable for different reasons I have begun to understand more and more. My first answer - the reactive one - was to say NO ONE - I don't OWE ANYONE ANYTHING... I might have shouted it in my head even. I sputtered, indignant... OWE, dammit. I have busted my tail trying to break through some solid walls trying to let people know, KNOW that I am there to talk to... in my own quiet way of course - which is to say that it was QUIET talk... perfunctory - how are you? I miss you. What are you doing now? ... but never the really burning question... why don't you keep in touch more? What is wrong with ME that you won't keep the contact alive? Why is it always ME who writes, who calls, and NEVER do I get a call back? What about the communication debt YOU owe ME?? Sigh. It was about at that point that I got up from the desk, ran upstairs, sorted through a couple of shelves, folded some clothes, walked back downstairs, put the kettle on, made a cup of Echinacea tea, and sat down again.

In the end, it isn't that I think there isn't debt - or shouldn't be. I am provoked because I believe in communication debt - that we do OWE each other this even exchange, this partnership...  It is very hard to be on the end of a relationship where communication fails completely - where phone calls go unreturned, letters unanswered... because inevitably, you (meaning me) fall into a pool of self-doubt, concern, worry, and darkness connected to that person. I could guess what is going on in someone else's life - create various scenarios about the goings on, the heartbreaks, the troubles, the joys, the success... but unequivocally I would be wrong. I would be better off trying to nail jello to the wall.

The same applies, however, to my reaction... my instinct that kicked in, the wounded self, that craves that physical, material connection with someone else, to validate and reassure... walking again and sitting down with a cup of tea - I asked myself - why do I hold onto this idea that this is necessary? Why do I NEED to have a reply of some kind? Does a letter define a friendship? Does a phone call solidify a relationship? No. so why do I seek it?

Fear (First answer to the old noodle) Simply put - fear. However I dress up a letter or phone call, either initiated by me, or returned... there is fear in the threadwork. What if I don't get a response? What if they never call again or write again... what if.. and suddenly I am 12 years old again. (To explain the insecurity or its roots at least.- my birth mother left when I was that age - without a word to me, no good bye, and I have only just begun to admit it was a problem for me. That's the short version)

Instead, now, that I am settled once again - the answer is to the question is this: Each person who wishes to contact me and each person who doesn't - I owe them a connection - a thought, phone call, a letter, an email, a post, a recognition in whatever form it is meant to take... I owe an authentic expression from my soul (without fear) - heartfelt, and deeply so. Unless it isn't the time to do so, then, I will just be patient until it is the right time to reach out. A Taoist teacher I admire a lot once wrote - Fire Cools, Water Seeks Its Own Level... I believe it is at this point when an open line of communication is most effective and significant... until then, nothing else matters much... and what would I say? I would say that I love them, that's all.

la