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June 2009 
What do you have the hardest time asking for?
Posted on Jan 4th, 2009
by 
quietlaughter
quietlaughter
This is in Response to the Questions and Reflections for January 04, 2009:
Help.
I am terrible for asking for it, even when it is the single most important thing that I need. I am too independent, too conditioned to rely on no one but myself sometimes, too proud, too stubborn, too oblivious... I've learned to be self-sufficient. It is strange though - sometimes I am viewed as helpless, which I have never really understood but there must be some truth in that as well. I'd like to say that I am improving on this, getting better at asking for help, but I would be telling a bald-faced lie. I am not better at asking for help. Maybe one day ;-)
I am terrible for asking for it, even when it is the single most important thing that I need. I am too independent, too conditioned to rely on no one but myself sometimes, too proud, too stubborn, too oblivious... I've learned to be self-sufficient. It is strange though - sometimes I am viewed as helpless, which I have never really understood but there must be some truth in that as well. I'd like to say that I am improving on this, getting better at asking for help, but I would be telling a bald-faced lie. I am not better at asking for help. Maybe one day ;-)
Access: Public
I can totally relate to the subject of help. The checklist i learned to get one up to help is using the checklist: help, control, communication and interest. In life there are some that take help as a betrayal because of something that became a failed help. It is a baby step to discover in others to unblock this by alternating the two questions “what have you helped??” - “what have you not helped?” running this back and forth to remove failures and denials of help. I have observed a good example just by shopping… when the sales person asks “can I help you?” and if the shopper is ok with help by allowing some control, they will communicate back and forth about something to generate interest. I experience this on Gaia and have found if one of those steps are missing then more communication handles less, and I allow them to communicate about the idea that if it has failed in the past, doesn’t mean it must be everyone is out to get them type of attitude, but that help is possible to open new doors.
Hi, KES and quietlaughter - as I was reflecting on this blog and this Q&R in general - I realized that my difficulties are much more with accepting and trusting help than with asking for it. I’ve gotten better at asking for what I need - I’m still looking for the switch or valve inside that lets me receive help when it is extended to me.
Does that resonate with what you’re saying here, KES?
peace and blessings -
Sylvia
thank you both - Kes and Sylvia.. it’s an challenging topic I think - especially to articulate exactly what the root of it is. For me, the roots are definitely in fear. There is an element of failure that is there - sometimes a failure to recognize that I could use some help until it’s too late (or relatively so). In my daily life, I am surrounded by people who need help, ask for help, and helping them comes naturally. I know alot of the time what practical help they need (even if it isn’t said) and can steer people in the right direction or help them with the resources that I have at my disposal. I don’t mean purely material help, like food, shelter and clothing but other practical help as well - the ear being the most valuable of all. I am thinking now more (after both of your posts) of how I personally view asking for help. I don’t see the people who have asked me for help as failing - everyone meets challenges in their lives, sometimes you have to face those challenges alone, sometimes it isn’t necessary to. It’s a delicate balance. I have seen many people try to take advantage of the help that is offered, mistaking their ideas for material wants to be far greater than what they actually need. That can lead to problems quickly. So how does that relate direclty to me? I think that I often end up comparing my situation to a situation similar to theirs. I ask myself - do I have what I need or am I missing what I want? If I have everything that I need then should I be worried for what I want? The answer alot of the time is - no I don’t need to worry about what I want. Of course, I am not always correct in distinguishing what I need and what I want - and there is where the problem lies. I am often afraid to want more. It’s not about material things - not necessarily anyway, but the principle of wanting more - more companionship, more attention (gasp), more discussion, more understanding… without having to outright ask for it… I selfishly ask myself sometimes, why do I have to ask for these things when I so naturally feel when someone else needs them. I think I just hit on the other issue for me - I feel selfish for wanting or needing help. There is a part of me that does not want the attention or to reach out (which brings attention) for help.
I like your checklist Kes - I will keep that in mind not only when I am being approached for help, or if I should need to offer help - but more importantly if I need to ask for it myself.
Sylvia - the issue of acceptance and trust is something that I had not thought of before. For me, I cannot think of a time when I was offered help that I felt that I couldn’t trust that help… but I definitely have felt at times that I couldn’t trust that help would be given even if I asked for it. You have sparked some thoughts in me, and I will think about this more.
thank you both again!
much love to you
xo
la
i use to think it braver to do things alone until i got sick this summer and idependence fell away. now asking for help is a neccessity for me because i find love in the fellowship. love and comfort of sharing. its a blessing.
Yes, I understand what you are saying – and you are very right Victoria – it is definitely a blessing to have that help, especially when you are ill. I was thinking more on this topic as I was driving to work this morning. I had to think about it because my car suddenly died at a stoplight of an intersection. I think it was the universe testing me ;-) The electrical components of the car suddenly shorted out and there I was, stranded. I should mention that we have been having some rotten weather during the past 24 hours and it was still snowing rather heavily. I hit the hazard lights and then put the car in park, wondering what I was going to do to get my car out of the way, who I would call for help and how I was going to make it to work (I was already late because of the freezing rain). The words, Communicate, Trust and Accept came to mind immediately. The initial panic (the “oh-crap-now-what-am-I-gonna-do” reaction) melted away. I took a deep breath and formulated a plan. Try the car, if it doesn’t start then call for help- with the hazard lights on to warn other cars, I was at least safe for the moment inside. Luckily, the engine roared to life when I turned the key and I made it to work without a further problem. No fuss, no muss. Of course, it really got me thinking about the nature of communication, trust and acceptance, as well as the need to let go of fear in order to be truly helped (or to help someone else for that matter)…… !