this week has been a NO week for me... sometimes I have NO days, rarely entire weeks ... and well, even more rare are NO months... but September was a big NO month. Good grief its been a hard month. I'm spent, worn out, feeling destroyed in some ways, very alone and struggling. This is all ok, because I also know what gets destroyed, gets rebuilt. October will be rebuilding month.

what I have learned this week is that it is ok to be angry, stand up for myself, and trust my gut, even if it means I can't be 'nice. Sometimes it's the way to get things accomplished. I really don't like confrontation - I avoid it alot, sometimes at all costs. This week, I learned that I could stand my ground, and be heard. It took some very heated conversations, but I was heard.

Coincidently, I was invited/ encouraged to join the conversation on One Light Many Windows on Anger. This is what I wrote:

I have been reading this thread from a far this week – the discussion topic came up at an eerily coincidental time, when I have been surrounded by anger – anger at work, anger from members of my family, friends, and within myself. There is a Taoist teaching shared by Deng Ming Dao about anger that has stuck with me for years:

Fire cools, water seeks its own level.

Anger, for me is natural and personal. I don’t like to intellectualize anger. It happens. It rises up from the belly at different times – it is the reaction. The choice, or at least the one that I try most often to choose, is in how to respond. Like Eli suggested, I wait. Sometimes. Lashing out in anger is like running away (for me it is) – instead, I try to climb into it and wait. It’s not pleasant. Sometimes it is just down right ugly. This week was a good example of that to me. I don’t believe that anger is contagious. Choice is.

Another phrase that always sticks in my mind is one my husband shares in his talks to students. Pain is inevitable, misery is a choice. What is my choice? Not to allow anger to get beyond that moment of pain, to be exaggerated, blown up, and made bigger than it needs to be… this is not easy! It is hard work but worth doing.

Last night, I sat up in mediation the entire night. I confronted these emotions, these feelings – and allowed myself in a safe way to be out of control with my anger. By this I mean, I didn’t act on the anger, didn't direct it at anyone, but allowed it to be. It was not an easy night. I felt for reasons beyond the actual anger that I felt that I was pushed to an uncomfortable edge. That’s ok. It had to happen. I made friends with anger last night and today. Reading everyone’s thoughtful responses and helpful advice to each other has helped very much to underscore the kind of friendship that I need to develop with that side of myself.

I am slow to anger most of the time, but as a dear teacher of mine once told me, it only takes one cup of boiling water to be poured into a pond to kill the fish living there. I agree – denying anger, not acknowledging it is as destructive and harmful as lashing out blindly and uncontrollably. In some ways, conceptualizing anger is dangerous too. I remember another teacher of mine who said that it is ok to have ‘sane’ anger (and ‘sane’ suffering)– because it pushes you to be better, to overcome and grow. This is where I sit with anger, with the highest intention of learning and understanding more about myself, and to allow myself to experience the moment as fully and completely as I can.

Oh – and in addition to beating the hell out of my pillow, I also write like hell, ride my bicycle like hell, paint like hell, knit like hell, clean like hell (man is my house spotless these days), and stand the hell out of Vrksasana. Chocolate also helps.

xo
~

I don't believe in coincidences... I spent the entire week sitting in anger for a reason. It's going to be a month of change - this October - not surprising.... it is the season of change. I feel like I have been through an enormous test.

anyway, I just happened to find this question of the day and then my gaia directed me to my horoscope today - I like reading them after the day  is over. ... always interesting to see what comes up not knowing...


my horoscope today:

Your impulsive reaction to someone who tries to block your progress could just make matters worse now. Fortunately, it's easy for you to think in advance about what you're going to say or do. All it takes is your clear intention to work with the external resistance instead of trying to overpower it. Controlling your emotions today is more productive than losing your temper and it will feel better in the long run.

~

so... the greatest thing that I have learned this week is - I can make it through.

xo
la

During the summer - the room I spend the most time in is the garden and during the winter the room I spend the most time in is the family room.  What I like with both "rooms" is that I get to be near my family. It's important to me. :-)

This past weekend, my father-in-law celebrated his 65th birthday - my mother-in-law threw a birthday dinner Saturday night - and since my husband is still on the road travelling across Canada, I went by myself. I arrived to find that I had a 'date'. Now, out of context, this might be awkward - but I was at my inlaws after all, and my mother-in-law's nephew had arrived that morning on his motorcycle from Montreal. I was not being set up in the way that you might be thinking ;-) He doesn't have a partner - and they had matched us for the evening. I had heard some about my mother inlaw's nephew - about his penchant for laughter and showing up unexpectedly at their house to surprise them on special occasions. In the fourteen years that I've been married, I had never had the good fortune to meet him before that night. Well, it turns out we have an awful lot in common - a love of the outdoors, photography, laughter, and more. We spent hours talking together, laughing with the family - it was truly a surprise and a wonderful event. I look forward to the next big family event and him making his way to here. Meeting him was definitely a highlight of the weekend and his easy deep laughter will always stay in my memory. It is nice to know that he is part of my family.

:-)

I Believe...
That just because two people argue,
it doesn't mean they don't love each other.
And just because they don't argue,
it doesn't mean they do love each other.

I Believe...
That we don't have to change friends if
we understand that friends change.

I Believe..
That no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

I Believe...
That true friendship continues to grow, even over
the longest distance. Same goes for true love.

I Believe..
That you can do something in an instant
that will give you heartache for life.

I Believe...
That it's taking me a long time
to become the person I want to be.

I Believe...
That you should always leave loved ones with
loving words. It may be the last time you see them.

I Believe...
That you can keep going long after you think you can't.

I Believe...
That we are responsible for what
we do, no matter how we feel.

I Believe...
That either you control your attitude or it controls you. 

I Believe...
That money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I Believe...
That my best friend and I, can do anything, or nothing and have the best time.

I Believe...
That sometimes the people you expect to kick you
when you're down, will be the ones to help you get back up.

I Believe...
That maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.

I Believe..
That it isn't always enough, to be forgiven by others.
sometimes, you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I Believe...
That no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I Believe...
That our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but, we are responsible for who we become. 

I Believe...
Two people can look at the exact same
thing and see something totally different.

I Believe...
That your life can be changed in a matter of
hours by people who don't even know you.

I Believe...
That even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you - you will find the strength to help.

I Believe...
That credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.

I Believe...
That you should send this to all of the people that you believe in, I just did.

'The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything.'

 Author Unknown

 

~

I can't remember when or where I found this piece first... but I just found it again tonight, and thought I would share. The timing of this rediscovery is quite good for me, just what I needed to hear tonight. I am glad I keep the things that I do sometimes - though I should really label them better ;-)

This weekend is our Canadian Thanksgiving - this afternoon was the first of three celebrations I will be part of - had linner (lunch/ dinner - I convinced my neices and nephews and daughters this was a real term today). It was a good afternoon - and I am deeply thankful for children today. The day also had some more serious undertones - with my mother's health and news that my younger brother's marriage is ending... I am thankful today for the little moments - for the smile and giggle of my youngest nephew, who seems almost to be a twin to me (he looks very very similar to me when I was the same age - right down to the uncontrollable white blond hair), for sharing a meal together with the people that I love dearly, for having my husband home safely after what was a very challenging and worrisome four weeks.... I am thankful for a great many things and people in my life. I am so deeply greatful for what arrives when I am open to it. After linner, I went to a bookshop and did a bit of shopping (Monday is my rest day and I am looking forward to just reading and being with my family) - three things stood out for me... ok two books and one magazine. I bought Pema Chodron's newest book called Taking The Leap: Freeing Ourselves from Old Habits and Fears and The Boy Who Harnessed The Wind by William Kamkwamba. Then, at the last moment, I took a stroll through the magazine racks and found the latest issue of Shambala Sun ... I started to read the magazine first, not quite in the mood for a book tonight, and quickly realized that these three choices were 'important' after skimming the table of contents and reading the first three paragraphs of the article by Pema Chodron. I am thankful for these synchonicities - in a way that is quite beyond words.

Someone asked me yesterday about what I am thankful for - and all I could say to them, without giving a huge long list, was everything... and I am.

xo
la

courage

sharing some joy :-)

cloudy with a chance of showers


....lots of tears these days - going through a very difficult time. It is a time of dramatic change, dramatic skies in my life or at least in the lives surrounding me. I am being impacted by these events deeply, and it is a time of great learning for me personally. There is blue sky waiting to emerge - hopefully sooner rather than later. I am hoping alot for sooner. I miss the sunshine.

The stone is heavier today after I learned of the sudden passing of my husband's uncle. He had a massive heart attack and died early this morning. His death has hit me hard for several reasons - not the least of which he was a dear person, well loved and cared for his elderly mother (my husband's grandmother) for many years. My heart goes out to Granny, who has had to bury three children before her own passing.

There have been some dramatic changes in my life over the past weeks (that for personal reasons I won't explain fully - out of respect for those involved) - marriages have ended, people have passed one, friendships have been tested, and health concerns loom heavily. I am a strong person, but as one thing piles onto the other, I wonder how much stronger I must be. My husband said today in an effort to comfort me 'well these things come in three's' then I reminded him that this is 'thing' number six...

Today was a difficult day, but I know that tomorrow will be a new one. In the days to come we will celebrate Uncle Tom's life.