well... in a beautiful moment of synergy, I found myself answering this question through a writing assignment on Diving Deeper. Ordinarily, I don't like to cross post. I can't explain why, other than I like to give my attention to each individual post that I write, wherever it may come up... that being said, I was ready to break my unwritten rule in cross-posting
here at the Gaia Lounge, where I usually read but rarely post, but then
Damian asked a question that I just couldn't pass up answering.
But I digress... the question today is 'what message does your highest self have for you?
here is my answer. Keep in mind that this is not me as the 'I' character. First, before I post it, I have to explain something. Whenever I write these days, particularly when I am writing an assignment, I write whatever comes up. The writing is not planned in any way, it is written as a first draft, spontaneous and as openly as the moment will allow me to write. While this is not me as the character necessarily, the message hits home for me. It really does.
There is a shift going on here - I will say first and foremost for me, and perhaps it extends far beyond me - I don't know, but for me, yes, there is a shift. After a very difficult and long winter for a variety of reasons, i feel the renewal that accompanies this spring season perhaps in the most significant and most powerful way that I have ever felt it. I am not usually given to being overly exhuberant about change. In fact, my mantra has long been panta rei - everything changes. It does. Nothing to be excited about. So why now am I giddy. I know that my children feel it. My youngest daughter today said, as we were walking through the park, 'Mom, you are feeling bubbly today aren't you?"... yes, in fact I am.
Ok, once again, I am running down a different path. What is the message? What did I hear today? Here it is:
“You want me to tell then what?” I asked, waving my hands around wildy.
I hit the coffee mug with more force than I had intended and sent it flying across the room. The ceramic smashed against the concrete floor with authority. No one else in the café looked up. I was embarrassed all the same. I blushed a furious deep red and bowed my head. Biting my lip, I shoved my hands under my buttocks and sat silently for a few seconds. Then I tried to reason with them again.
“Listen, no one is going to want to listen to me. Why should they? I am a little housewife from rural Ontario. No one has even heard of the village that I live in. Why on earth would they listen? I'm no one. Really! I wouldn’t listen to me.” I shook my head, which meant my entire body shook back and forth. I let out a squeak as I fell.
Without my arms out to the side to stop me, I fell off the chair. Not even my grunts as I fell onto the floor and hit my head made the other patrons turn. I didn’t move. I lay still and took a deep breath. As I let go of the breath, I felt everything relax. I wondered briefly if this was the resignation that I had been trying to avoid in every aspect of my life. Was I giving up? I wondered. My thoughts were not going to cooperate either. They were pressed against the glass like children, desperate to go outside for summer vacation. When the door was opened, I knew what was going to happen. Lying on the floor with my arms pinned under me might be the last bit of rest that I would have for a long time. I put my head down on the cold concrete and stared at the legs of the table and at the two pair of feet waiting patiently for me to stand up again. Michael leaned down and peered under the edge of the wooden table. He was smiling.
“Lala you should get up now.” He said. I could tell he was holding back the laughter. I frowned. I didn’t feel like being laughed at.
“No, it’s actually comfortable down here.” I said. I was starting to feel indignant. Me. All 5’ 4” of me was not what I was being told I was. No way. Granted it wasn’t the first time I had been told it, or shown it. Damn those dreams. Damn me for searching, wanting to understand more about where they came from, why I was having them. Oh, I thought I was going crazy. It does run in the family. How else do you explain when things just start happening and you start remembering? I told them then – go sell crazy somewhere else, I’m all stocked up here. Thought I was being pretty clever at the time. They didn’t go away. Not completely anyway. They were back, the pair of them, waiting for me to get up off the floor. Luckily for them, they are patient. I checked to see if they were tapping their feet just in case. They weren’t. Gabriel leaned down and spoke this time.
“Leilan, time to get up. You need to get ready.’ He said. I didn’t think he was laughing. He wasn’t angry though. I couldn’t feel anger. An endless amount of patience crept out of him. That irritated the hell out of me. I sighed. How exactly could I be irritated with an angel? Especially if it was Gabriel and Michael who were patiently waiting for me to get up off my ass and sit with them, so we could finish discussing what it was they, I mean, God wanted me to do. I sighed again. I was tempted to ask for five more minutes, but I thought that might be pushing it. I pulled myself up and grabbed the edge of the chair. As I sat down again, I noticed that there was music playing. I recognized the song. No one else did in the café. I blushed when I remembered the title of the song. I looked at the two angels sitting across from me. Humility came rushing in. I thought I was choking. Coughing and trying to get it out, I reached for my half empty coffee cup. I was surprised when the coffee was still warm. It usually goes stone cold if I leave it too long. I am a serial coffee drinker, leaving a trail of half empty cups behind me of cold, undrinkable coffee.
“Uhmm, I am sorry.” I said finally. The angels nodded together. They were both smiling. Michael reached across the table and patted the back of my hand.
“Lian, it’s ok. It doesn’t happen all that often that someone tells us to shut up and then lies on the floor like a five year old having a temper tantrum.” He said. The sarcasm in his voice was familiar. I couldn’t help but laugh. I ducked my head and grinned.
“Yeah, sorry about that. I am surprised no one else noticed. “ I said looking around the café. I suddenly realized the café was empty. I nodded understanding finally.
“Oh… nevermind. I get it now.” I said, blushing again. Michael squeezed my hand. Gabriel shifted in his chair.
“So you want me to do what now?” I said carefully. I turned my hand over, and Michael placed his hand on my palm. I could feel the heat growing. I could do it, make the energy from the center of my palm grow just by thinking about it. Michael smiled again.
“Nothing much” said Gabriel. I looked up again at Gabriel. I couldn’t stop the laughter this time.
“Nothing much? You want me to heal the world? Me? How am I supposed to change anyone let alone heal them? I tried and failed miserably before. You know, you were both there when it happened. I threw myself under the truck and you know what happened. And now you want me to do this all over again?” I sighed and stopped talking. Michael did not let go of my hand. Gabriel reached over and took my other hand.
“Nothing much. We are just asking you to be yourself. That’s all.” He said. Michael nodded in agreement. “We know that you can do that. Just be yourself. Use your gifts that you have been given. Talk to people, listen. Give people the tools and freedom to explore, to know themselves. Show people everything that is beautiful in this world. Point out the beauty that is in ordinary things, every day life. Show it, and help people to see it. Write what is in your heart and soul. Write loudly. Create, paint, share what is in your dreams. Build houses and if they get destroyed they do. Build them again. Trust yourself. Believe in yourself as much as you believe in others. As much as you believe in Him. Love as you have always loved. People need that, need your love, your compassion, your beauty. Just be you. That is all that you need to do. That is all you are meant to do” Gabriel stopped talking. I felt the tears spill over the rim of my eyes. I blinked them away. Michael held up his other hand suddenly.
“And before you say it – don’t. You know why you.” Michael said, chuckling. I closed my mouth. I nodded in spite of myself.
“Will you stay with me?” I asked. My voice sounded a little shaky. The two angels nodded at once.
“We have never left your side since the beginning.” Said Michael.
“Oh.” I said. The beginning, I suddenly realized, was not when I was born and nearly died immediately afterwards. It wasn’t when I nearly died again when I was two. Or when I was living in Africa and sick with malaria; or even when I first saw the two of them sitting in the corner of my room during meditation ten years ago. He meant the beginning. In a strange way, that was all I needed to hear.
“I love you both very much. You know that.” I said. My heart felt warm and soft. The ache was gone. Michael and Gabriel nodded again.
“Yes, we know.” They said together. I squeezed both of their hands and leaned over to kiss them both on the cheek.
“Alright.” I said. “I will get started right now.”
~
so - here I am starting right now, sharing a story that yesterday I would never have had the courage to share more widely.
My higher self is laughing loudly. Can you hear ?
xo
la
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October 2009 
quietlaughter
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