I have been doing a terrible job in taking the time to write lately. There is alot of resistance going on, resistance to cleaning out the rafters of my mind, and avoidance. Mostly I have been avoiding doing the cleaning, but in the process of doing that, the writing has slowed to a drizzle. Whenever the sunshines, I find myself refusing to be indoors, and after one of the hardest winters that I can remember, I don't blame myself. It's an active time, on many levels, and the time for writing will come - likely when it is warm enough to stay outside for hours not wrapped up in a thick blanket. Fingers crossed, that will be in the next week or so.

Today, happily, I spent alot of it outside, despite it being chilly, with my daughters and the rest of the family to celebrate two birthdays and go for a nice bike ride. I am happy to have been able to spend the time with everyone. It is a time of big and little changes, and we all needed to just share some laughter and good food for awhile to remember what is important - or at least, that is what I needed.

Shaping the garden is taking a little longer. I am meeting resistance there too. I have very little done, a handful of things, like the patio which now has some netting and curtains for privacy. Big hugs to my hub for putting together the lounger yesterday. He's not the handiest of people, and kept his cursing outside while he worked. I do appreciate how much he did - we will definitely enjoy his construction this summer. I definitely will. It's a perfect place for reading. I did this too. I wish I had gotten to setting up the pond - but it is too cold yet to put the fish out. Next weekend definitely this will happen, and the weeding will get done sometime this week- maybe even some annuals will be planted, who knows.

Keeping busy has somehow become another method of avoidance for me - yes productive, but also one distraction balanced precariously on the next distraction. Believe me I am a master of become distracted by flowers and details. So what am I avoiding? I wish I knew. I just feel it. Some 'it' thing that has been weighing on me since the beginning of January... heavy, dormant, growing. Sounds ominous. Likely isn't. I have my suspicions that is just change again, lurking about, trying to be all ' hey i'm change, I'm so threatening, be afraid, be very afraid' yeah whatever.

The good thing about keeping busy is that the really important thoughts don't get lost in the 'hey I'm busy freaking out here' thoughts. Oh, did I mention that I just finished making another blanket? Started another one. Idle hands and all. My grandmother was a wise woman. Whatever it is - this 'it' thing pain in my butt, I am shrugging 'it' off in exchange for spending time with family, soaking in the sunshine and garden stillness, and letting the writing do its own thing, while I am catching up. Besides, that is what holidays are for - regroup, rest and rejuvenate.

xo bring on the roses.

la

death – it is such a difficult topic. Recently it came up here . No sooner had I written about some of my experience/ dance with death in an attempt to offer some personal understanding on the subject, the very next day, a  very dear friend of mine lost her son at birth. It was a heartbreaking moment and gave me some pause to think about why this subject continues to come up for me, but not only that, that people around me are either passing or dealing directly with this loss. What I wrote, was not to say that I find dealing with death easy – in fact quite the opposite. I felt a profound sadness for the passing of this young angel, George, who never knew this world, at least not this time around. I will say though, my heart goes out to the bravery and wisdom of my friend and her husband as they move forward with the brief life of their son, and how they are honouring his life. I am deeply proud of them.

How we, individually, approach and are affected by death is very very different. I have a great deal of respect for everyone and their own experience with this transition. Even if we remove the religious, spiritual implications of death, and look at ‘it’ from a purely organic standpoint – there is transition at the most basic level, a cycle that we cannot escape from. Of course, I do not believe that we exist in only one level, that all levels of existence are equally integrated, and this transition touches all levels, which is why we, I, have such a sharp time dealing with the physical loss of someone. I think it is normal. So are tears. Both nourish and strengthen the soul. Accepting the process, for me, does not mean becoming unemotional – instead, it is about accepting that those emotions are part of the entire transition. There will be grief, tears, sadness, anger even, in acknowledging someone’s passing – even your own passing as it approaches. It’s ok that there is, even if there isn’t, that’s ok. There’s no rule that says you must do this or that. Just let yourself feel and give what you need to.

There just are no easy answers. Sometimes, no answers at all. Sometimes it is easier to accept our own mortality, the coming of our own death, than it is to accept the passing of someone we love, we know. Sometimes the opposite is true. No nice ribbons to tie everything up neatly with. But, getting through is getting through. No matter how difficult, everything happens for a reason. There are not always words or means to explain why, or what will come as a result of someone passing at any point in their life, but there is always meaning.  I have said this before – death comes when it comes. I just try to live each day with one question in mind. What have I left undone? I try to live, love, laugh and find the beauty in every day.

In the end, I am deeply humbled by the life of a stillborn child, and inspired by the family who grieves and loves in his passing.

Xo
la